kerryingon

Jan 8 - Jan 14 really stepped it up for the new year. I’d say that even if it wasn’t only the second week of 2012, pinky swear. Recappalous:

• First ever Lincoln Center audition. Lincoln Center, you guys. My favorite place in all of New York City (tied with my fountain, obvs). The most incredible pieces of art come out of these buildings and I got to wander through the basement, where the dressing rooms are, where the costumes are created, where the rehearsals begin. I got to play with a man pretending to be a horse. Don’t even think that sounds dirty because it was so, so incredible.
• Audition for a new rock musical where I got to embrace my inner teen goth.
• What’s that? I must’ve gotten a new legit agent with all these auditions? NOPE. I’m a motherfucking hustler (stay tuned for next week when I say that out loud to a casting director).
• Apparently I can do a sick French dialect. And apparently I have a sick dialect coach amongst friends (actors, feel free to ask). Also: apparently, when working a dialect, I practice aloud to myself whist wandering in public. (this is awkward.)
• New voiceover class. I am very good at voiceover. Remind me when I forget, yes?
• New acting coach who hugged me at first introduction then rummaged her closet to help find me an oversized sweater from her own items.
• New vocal coach who can look at a song, turn it upside down and then explain in vivid, fantastic, monologue-esque descriptions including hand gestures and so much awesome. Singing is.. FUN. I’m not afraid of auditions anymore.
• Farewell to two of my bests heading back out on tour. Catch Damn Yankees or Mary Poppins if either plays near you!
• Feeling a hand stop me, realizing it belonged to you. Playing dress up in your clothes. Making you burst out laughing when I called you out on what’s been obvious to me for years yet brand new to you.
• Finally getting to see the most beautiful baby bump of all time. Visible joy & love pouring out all over those involved with said bump.
• Momma’s birthday. The adorableness of her telling me she has plans in the city and then fitting me in around that. Momma is the GREATEST.
• These words: “You just changed my life. Again.” / “That’s what I do!” / “Every day.”

We’ve made it, friends. 52 full weeks of one glorious year! I’m pretty fucking shocked that I actually did one of these for every week. Kind of tempted to print them out & bind them into a little book but more into the idea of releasing these weeks into the world and moving into this next adventure of 2012. Isn’t that how this life thing goes anyway? So for one last time of 2011, LET’S RECAP:

• CHRISTMAS. Hello. AWESOME. I got a vacuum and was so excited that I cried, screamed and laughed for about 7 minutes straight. 3.5 of which my brother-in-law filmed that I’m pretty sure needs to get uploaded to YouTube. There has never been a reaction to a vacuum like this in the world.
• Family time non-stop. Puppy time non-stop.
• Cameron Fife is in town. Always awesome.
• My girlfriends all in one place at a bar in my hometown neighborhood sort of made this whole year come full circle. I loved every second.
• Last night, the 30th, was celebrated with a beautiful marriage between two of my favorite people who fully encompass Love.
• Recognizing and Loving the effort that is being made that I maybe have missed for the past few years. Feeling like a 15 year old.
• Getting lost, being late, running in & eating serious amounts of chocolate with my sorority sisters.
• Ice skating at Rockefeller Center with my family. Waiting in line for 3 hours to skate 5 minutes but knowing I’ll enjoy that memory for a good long time.
• Being out of the city long enough to actually hear myself is the best gift of the whole week.

I’m really grateful for this year. I…

• got my own place 
• figured out how to live in NYC
• dated some incredible people before realizing that my heart hasn’t been mine to give away in a very long time
• traveled to my other favorite city of Los Angeles
• watched with awe as my best friend and her husband brought a beautiful baby girl into the world 
• traveled to San Francisco
• met with amazing industry people including two on my “oh my god am I really meeting these people” list
• fell back in love with my craft
• did the hardest, scariest thing I ever thought I would
• traveled to San Diego
• realized the importance of my friends (again)
• did intense self realization work and came out on the other side so much better for it
• watched as my Henry pup finally shed away almost all of his fears and anxieties and has become a happy, floppy, full of joy and trust dog
• secured incredible agents and started in a new division of the business
• tried every other single career I could think of instead of acting before realizing I’m an actor, for better or worse
• watched endless friends get engaged and married; watched my sister get married
• tried a ton of new classes that I wanted to try but was afraid to
• saw so much theatre that I was seeing a new show almost every week
• stopped being afraid of Love

Truth be told, I’m ready for 2012. I’ve faced so many fears, issues and worries this past year that I’m ready to let them live in the past and keep gaining more Love, truths, adventures and joy in my present and future. Thanks for reading along with me during this year - I’ve realized that recapping all of my blessings each week have made me much more grateful, patient and trusting.

Recently, someone asked what I would have told myself 6 months ago about my life today. I replied with what I would tell myself in the future and all of you right this second: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. You’re exactly where you are. Trust in it.

Wishing you a beautiful, safe, happy and healthy New Year’s Eve and 2012. Chase down your dreams, friends. I believe in you. xx

Ladies & Gents. Down to the wire. Week 50 was December 11-17 and it. was. awesome. Mainly because I’m alive, healthy, happy and surrounded by love. However, these other things didn’t hurt:

• Best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday on 12/16. One of my favorite people in the whole world’s birthday on 12/17.
• I (super luckily) got to see HAND TO GOD at Ensemble Studio Theatre. An impossible ticket to get came via a last minute text. I got to reunite with a darling woman, run into many an industry folk AND, unbeknownst to me, there was a TALKBACK with the cast! There is nothing in the world like listening to creatives talk about their process <3 <3 <3
• Last minute holiday gathering party/attempt to bake vegan cookies together in my tiny kitchen/turns out I didn’t have anything we actually needed (“ohhh baking soda is not the same as baking powder??”) = hysterics ensued & love splattered everywhere.
• The pleasant reminder that saying yes instead of saying no basically ensures a whole lot more fun, people & laughter in one’s life.
• Auditions are not taken for granted! Every single one delights me so much.
• Catching up with my tour twin in a favorite nyc spot.
• “You just gave me goosebumps” as a response to a favorite how-did-you-meet story.
• Getting locked out & the relief of immediately having somewhere to go.
• Kind words exchanged; 4 am truths shared; grown up moves; best friend emails; bursting into tears in your living room and knowing you’ll still love me anyway.
• SHOPPING like a crazy person.

I can’t believe we’re in our last week of this year! I get so excited for new years. SO MANY NEW AMAZING POSSIBILITIES are on their way to us!! Check back for 51 and of course, 52. You’re seriously beautiful, see you soon! xx

P.S. google the hand to god videos!! do it!

“I’ve always loved you, and when you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” 

— Tolstoy

When I used to be crying, sobbing, fighting with at you, blaming, hiding, fearing, hurting, you would be stoic and calmly tell me you loved me. That’s it. You never fought back, never pointed fingers back at me, never gave up on me. And it never made sense.

Then I cleared up my mind, dealt with my demons and got my head back on straight. I learned how to communicate and be a grown up. I fell in love with myself as much as I love you. It’s a funny thing to go through such an intense change and there are very few people who came out the other side with me. Not because I didn’t want them but because our friendships just didn’t make sense anymore. Yet no matter what we go through, no matter what part of the world we are in or what jobs we’re working, we continue to grow separately while growing together. And so it started to make sense.

You’re driving me crazy right now. It takes all of my strength daily to not show up at your apt and say all the things that I know I don’t truly mean. All of the things that would make me feel like I have control when control doesn’t exist. The things I used to say when I thought I could convince myself I don’t love you. When I used to try to push you away, you stayed calm and didn’t give into my childish ways. So your attempts to push me away, your every flaw, every annoying/frustrating thing, all of your fears, power struggles and every single piece of that giant ego is a piece of you. All of it. And if it’s a part of you, I love it. The love I have for you is bigger than my own ego and desire to get things to go my way. It is bigger than my conceptual idea of what a relationship should look like and it’s even bigger than the fear that everyone will leave me. It just is. I wish I understood it better or that I had a crystal ball to confirm what I already know. All I’ve got is my heart and an endless opportunity to practice love, patience and trust.

A year ago today, right around this time of day, my doorbell rang.

Waiting outside was a woman I’ve never met before who was holding one end of a skinny blue leash. The other end was attached to the harness of a shy, nervous dog named Henry.

It was love at first sight.

I honestly can’t believe I’ve been the proud owner (read: Mama) to this little pup for a whole year and more over, I can’t believe the immense changes I’ve seen in him.

This is Henry the day he arrived. He looked like an old man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He refused to be further than a foot away from the dining room table, which provided a nice structure to hide under. He wouldn’t play, didn’t bark and looked like he was going to puke any second.

This is Henry today, a year later, on the exact same floor. He is vibrant, playful, loving, cuddly, trusting (mostly), my protector and barks like a mad man. When he is on a bark rant and driving me and everyone around me crazy, I think about how he didn’t bark for weeks and I can’t get myself to shush him. He is so vocal and expressive and seems to understand plain english quite well - if I ask him does he want to go on a w-a-l-k, he barks! When we get in, I ask him to please go have some water from his dish and off he trots. If he does something naughty, I explain to him what would be better next time and he makes the adjustments accordingly. I know this sounds crazy but trust me, it’s even crazier to observe.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I was not in a good place this time last year. I fully and firmly stand by the belief that why I am light years away from where I was, is largely in part due to Henry. It’s impossible to stay in a negative mindset when there is this face staring at you every morning or paws tapping you to wake up.

Henry has lived with me in multiple states in lots of different locations. He has taken an East coast road trip with me and stayed in hotels. He’s taught me how to raise my standards and that treats - edible or not - are crucial in life. He’s taught me how to speak up and how to protect another living thing. Most importantly, he’s taught me how to love and be loved. He is without a doubt the single greatest thing that has ever existed in my life.

Recently, I had to do an assignment that included asking people the question “what does everyone know about you?” - every person included the fact that I have a dog named Henry who I love more than anything. Every. Person.

If at any point you decide you have the time and love for a dog, please adopt. The best feeling in the world is knowing that I’m the reason he’s done a total 180 - that all of the patience, lessons, struggles and work to show him that humans are, in fact, good, has completely changed him. Hen could be the poster puppy for adopted dogs - all he needed was someone who loved him, to find his person, and he became the best dog in the world. And please, if you have a dog you’re struggling with, get a trainer or get educated but don’t give up on him. As I’m writing this, he’s fast asleep next to me, paws splayed out and perfectly content on ‘his’ couch. I can’t imagine if he was still in foster care looking for his human.

I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it a million times more: I may have rescued Henry but Henry saved me. And a year later, he continue to.

This is the story of the day we fell in love. 

This is the awesome organization I adopted him through.